<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>that feeling you get by fated_addiction</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25870207">that feeling you get</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction'>fated_addiction</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>K-pop, Real Person Fiction, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Reflection, Romance, Self-Reflection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:27:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,245</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25870207</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“It’s called a party, Kim Taeyeon.”</i>
</p><p>Or, no one is surprised that Taeyeon thinks too hard about a lot of things.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Sooyeon | Jessica/Kim Taeyeon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>that feeling you get</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Fulfilling an old tumblr request! </p><p>Anonymous wanted 'jessica/taeyeon + self-reflection' which, I won't lie, turned into one of two 'Tiffany-birthday-party' fics that I wrote this week, which also ride on the 'older and wiser' theme. Anyways, as always, I have a lot of feelings about Taeyeon and Jessica and here they sort of are. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s called a <i>party</i>, Kim Taeyeon.”</p><p>The restaurant room is already gaudy. Taeyeon has spent the last twenty minutes watching Hyoyeon teach her Tik Tok dance to several guests, nursing a glass of wine that is supposed to taste like grapefruit. Key phrase, <i>supposed to</i>.</p><p>“It’s your party,” she points out to Tiffany who, in turn, drapes herself across Taeyeon’s lap. She drops her arms over her shoulders and grins brightly, even flicking her nose. Probably to prove a point, she thinks. Taeyeon bats Tiffany’s hand away. “You’re really the one that has to have fun.”</p><p>“But I’m not having fun if <i>you’re</i> not having fun.”</p><p>“Bullshit.”</p><p>Tiffany shrugs. Stays on her lap to talk to Bora. They merely barely greet each other; Taeyeon has done her part, socializing at the beginning. She’s tired though. Parties haven’t been her scene in a really long time.</p><p>It’s nothing personal. Tiffany knows. Sooyoung knows, even went as far as to tell her things like, “it’s okay if you’re running late!” and of course, her personal favorite, “— why don’t you carve out some time when we start, I know you’re busy.” It’s the kind of thing that makes her feel guilty without feeling apologetic, a really big headache of hers these days.</p><p>“I did invite her.”</p><p>Taeyeon perks up. Bora sends a nervous glance her way.</p><p>“She sent me a beautiful gift too,” Tiffany says with a dramatic sigh, tightening her arms around her neck. “It’s not like I was going to be petty and post some sort of dramatic reunion picture either.” Tiffany looks at Taeyeon and frowns. “Have you apologized to her yet?”</p><p>Tiffany is multiple glasses of wine in, given that she’s been up since the crack of dawn and busy with all sorts of events. Yuri already promised to take her home; no one seems to remember that Tiffany also gets ridiculously honest when she’s drunk though, birthday celebrations or not.</p><p>“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Taeyeon answers. Sighs too. She gently untangles the other woman’s arms around her neck, ignoring the sympathetic look that Bora tries to share with her. Her anxiety is almost immediate; these days it’s a lot more physical than emotional, a hard tightness in her chest and trembling hands, no matter where she is.</p><p>“Of course, you do,” Tiffany insists. She trips towards Bora, who gracefully catches her in some sort of hug hybrid. “You damn well <i>know</i>.”</p><p>Sure, she does. That’s the problem.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s hard not to think of Jessica in August, beyond the anniversary dates. </p><p>The weather is hot and sticky. It’s monsoon season and the rain is impeccably cruel, almost to the point where Taeyeon swears she’s <i>definitely</i> agoraphobic. Jessica is still a seasonal opposite and Taeyeon will never admit in a million years that she continues to scan the other woman’s Instagram page almost obsessively, dipping into alliterations about spring and summer successes. </p><p>She still manages to sneak out of Tiffany’s birthday party after the cake, taking the prerequisite selfies for their group’s annual <i>we really miss the fans but our company sucked</i> celebration. This year she didn’t struggle as much, sat and smiled and even kissed Tiffany’s forehead as they briefly threw around stories of how they were as children together. She gets as far as her car though, leaning against the door and pulling up a number onto her screen. She stares at it as if it were new, even though it’s not new and there’s no escaping that.</p><p>“You were invited,” she says, greets, and takes another moment to process that Jessica has <i>actually</i> answered and it less than three rings. “You were invited,” Taeyeon says again, then accuses, “and you didn’t come.”</p><p>Jessica doesn’t miss a beat. “I’m not really a fan of awkward, large gatherings. I already have to do it for business.”</p><p>It’s a moot point and Taeyeon tries to read into the tone of her voice, instead, rubbing her eyes. Just a few more minutes, she tells herself, even though she really didn’t drink as much as she usually does.</p><p>“It would have been nice to have you,” she tries instead.</p><p>At that, Jessica just laughs. The sound feels a little unfamiliar, but she can almost visualize the amusement written into her face. “Don’t lie, unnie,” she drawls and it feels a little weird coming from Jessica too. Taeyeon doesn’t like how distant it feels; they’ve angry but never impersonal. </p><p>It’s still hard to swallow for Taeyeon. “I’m not lying.”</p><p>“You’re a terrible liar.”</p><p>“Tiffany seemed—”</p><p>“Drunk? I know. She called twice. I already told her I’d take her to lunch before she leaves, whenever that is. I don’t have the patience for drunk dials anyway, so let’s see if she remembers too.”</p><p>“Yeah, sure,” is all Taeyeon say. Seems redundant to say anything else.</p><p>They’re quiet then. Taeyeon tries to forget a little bit that she’s on the phone with Jessica, not because it’s anything specific or the first time they’ve talked, but mostly due to the fact that it’s Jessica and there’s no escaping that either.</p><p>The problem is that there are always a thousand things that she could say, then a thousand more that she wants to say, and nothing from either group comes to the surface, as if she’s lost all her courage and rage. It’s taken years for her to make peace that Jessica didn’t do anything and that they didn’t do anything; instead, it was merely a situation that neither of them handled well. No one was a victim and that was really only the first part.</p><p>The second? She still doesn’t know what to say to her.</p><p>“I should go.” A large sigh escapes. Taeyeon flushes and digs around for her keys in her purse. “I have an early start tomorrow,” she lies again.</p><p>“O-kay.” Jessica pauses. Then sighs too. “I like breakfast,” she says, says slowly, as if she were immediately regretting where she was going with the statement. “Do you want to meet me? There’s a spot near your place.”</p><p>“You have breakfast near my place?”</p><p>“Sometimes.” Jessica’s dismissive. “So, do you?”</p><p>Taeyeon still can’t hide her hesitation. It’s almost painful to pause, but she tries. “Sure,” she says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jessica stares.</p><p>But first:</p><p>She’s late, and she knows she’s late, even though Taeyeon is never really late, given the rare circumstances that she’s either with family or locked up in the studio, recording music that gets hidden away for rainy day albums. It doesn’t quite hit her that the place Jessica’s picked is near her house and that it implies that Jessica is close to her house a lot, up until she walks through the doors of the café, the small weirdly picturesque café that Taeyeon may or may not have seen in one of her Instagram shots.</p><p>Taeyeon still spots Jessica. Maybe first, maybe last – probably last, given that she is staring at her with a coffee between her hands, almost as if to say <i>if you’re going to back out now, I’ll see you</i>. It gives no time for Taeyeon to prepare herself, either to fight or to come to terms that this is Jessica, live and right in front of her, sitting calmly and brightly and nearly untouchable. It sends butterflies straight to her stomach, the kind that knot and try and shove themselves back up her throat as some kind of cruel reminder. </p><p>“You look good,” she greets.</p><p>Jessica doesn’t flinch. “You look like you drank,” she replies and Taeyeon wishes Hyoyeon was around to call her a bitch.</p><p>“Can we start differently?” Her voice is quieter than she intends it to be and it seems to soften Jessica, who leans back in her seat without pulling her gaze away. “Although,” Taeyeon says, “this is, what, the third time I’ve walked into you saying something to me like that.”</p><p>“In my defense, the only time you call me is when you’re drunk or when Tiffany is in town, after throwing a Tiffany party. I’ll learn how to hold my expectations.”</p><p>Taeyeon feels her face warm. “Fine.”</p><p>She settles into the seat across from Jessica. Ignores the fact that their waitress recognizes them both. She orders just a coffee, mostly for the easy escape. Most times too, at least the five she can count on one hand, Jessica has always come ready to fight – no one can blame her for that either.</p><p>They remain quiet until Taeyeon gets her coffee. She mostly spends it staring at Jessica, watching as she turns her gaze to the window and the people that pass by. True to form, this is where Taeyeon’s self-actualization gets a little dicey and maybe a little too honest. You can forget an attraction to some, especially when it borders between obsession and something that feels a little like love. She can attest to writing way too many love songs, you know, the kind that don’t see the light of day; it’s hard not to, looking at Jessica. She’s never been the type of person that anyone can forget.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Taeyeon blinks. “What?”</p><p>“Are you okay?” Jessica repeats, leaning into the table with her elbows. Her coffee’s finished. “Your mom and siblings? I’m just checking in.”</p><p>“We’re okay,” she answers and tries to stay a little guarded. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Yeah, sure.”</p><p>Jessica cocks her head to the side. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Sometimes.” Taeyeon tries not to blurt it out. “But I don’t want to talk about that.”</p><p>“I guess…” Jessica trails off a little. She laughs, but it’s mostly under her breath. “I guess I’m a little confused as to why you called then. Not that I was expecting any grandiose declaration of love or anything, but you called and you said yes to breakfast. I guess I don’t know how to handle that.”</p><p>Taeyeon bites her lip. It’s awhile before she answers. She tries to hide her mouth in her coffee cup, but ends up exposing herself anyway.</p><p>“I guess,” she echoes. “I called to hear you. And I showed up to see you.”</p><p>They fall silent again. In the back of house kitchen, there’s a crash and a couple of head turns towards the area. It’s enough to be some kind of distraction and Taeyeon leans back in her chair, her mouth pursed tightly together.</p><p>She tries to come up with some kind of mantra; <i>you decided to come</i> seems to be the only one that surfaces. </p><p>“I wish I knew what to say to that,” Jessica tells her. Means it too. Her expression drops into a deep frown. “If it were years ago, I think I would have replied differently. Maybe cried, weirdly enough. And also – we’ve been here before, especially in the handful of times that we’ve decided to talk to each other. It’s weird because you’ll leave and I’ll leave and I’ll certainly know what to say then.”</p><p>It’s irritating, mildly so – it’s just that time and time again it seems so easy for Jessica to say the right thing, no matter what. Taeyeon’s expression mirrors Jessica’s then too, dropping into a frown as well; she can’t help it and she’s just itching to have some sort of relief. The truth, and it’s there too, is that she starts these things with Jessica, intending on having some kind of resolution whether it’s realized or not, only to fall back into the beginning, as if they haven’t talked to each other before.</p><p>The even harder part goes much deeper into places and memories that she’s also not touched for a really long time, of two girls that could have, may have, might have been in love or what they thought was love. Those are the pieces of the puzzle that get forgotten, the ones that edge and circle around them as if they are daring the two of them to remember and remember well.</p><p>“You’re right,” Taeyeon says. And it’s the only thing she can say. There’s still a little bit left in her coffee cup and she ignores the fact that she really hasn’t ordered anything to eat either. “I know you’re right,” she says too.</p><p>An important fact? She’s still the first to go.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The relationship coda:</p><p>Everyone has an impossible opinion on Taeyeon and Jessica. There are nights that Taeyeon will never confession to, but where she stays up and scours the Internet because she can’t help but read the theories. Maybe someone saw something. Maybe someone can explain this better than she can. It seems silly giving someone that kind of power, but Jessica remains the only unanswered question in her life: what did she do wrong and why?</p><p>It’s still not important enough to say though and it’s too deeply personal, maybe even painful, to confess to small moments of Jessica and Taeyeon and the poetic injustices of her tongue down Jessica’s throat or the sensation of their hands linked together. It’s what makes her a solid songwriter and it makes her an even better singer and she’s absolutely selfish, if anything, about wanting to give that back.</p><p>She does ask Jessica once and only once, the question that presses in the back of her head, that will continue to press against the back of her head, as if to haunt her the older they get and the closer they circle each other.</p><p>“Do you have any regrets?”</p><p>Jessica never answers. It’s just not that simple.</p><p>Maybe that’s why she keeps coming back.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>